The UK YouTube Elite

YouTube is the home of cat videos and other procrastinating virals but would you be surprised to hear it has its own cast of celebrity?

Many of you will have no idea who Zalfie is or who starts all their videos with 'Hello Best Friends' but the YouTube elite are some of the most famous torsos in the UK (and they're making a mint doing it).

Why don't you know who they are? their fans are aged between 14-24yrs old making you/us old and extremely uncool.

Here's a quick and complicated guide to whose who...

Zalfie - The King and Queen
Alfie aka PointlessBlog and Zoe Sugg aka Zoella are undoubtedly UK YouTube biggest names. They share 14 million subscribers across 5 channels and are of course a couple. Both have daily vlogs that consist of them selfie-ing their entire day. They live in Brighton in a rented flat that costs almost £3k pcm. Alfie has just released his first book whilst Zoe's book is out later this year, quickly followed by her cosmetic range and Simple Skincare sponsorship. Zoe makes videos about skin care, feeding guinea pigs and her anxiety. Alfie makes videos based on YouTube tags (Cinnamon challenge, Chubby Bunny etc.) and gaming.

Marcus Butler & Naomi Smart - The Perfect Couple
Marcus is an established name on YouTube, like Alfie he makes tag videos for his 3 million viewers and has built his audience through collaborations with other YouTube names. He lives with his girlfriend Naomi who since meeting Marcus quickly seized the opportunity to have a slice of the YouTube pie. She's newer to the game with only 780,000 subscribers and she's a bit dead behind the eyes. Marcus and Naomi are blond, thin, have smelly candles, shop at Waitrose and work out with each other - its a little sickening. They live up the road from Zalfie, you can often watch the four of them daily vlog at the same time in the same room - meta.

Jim and Tanya - The Less Perfect Couple
Jim plays the role of YouTubes camp straight man and opens all his videos with 'Hello Best Friends'. Tanya his soon to be wife is bessies with Zoella and often pops up in her daily vlogs, Tanya also has anxiety - who knew?! I prefer Janya over Maomi because they are less perfect and probably shop at Sainsburys.

Louis - The Adventurer 
Fun for Louis is a perfect cliché of white people breaking the rules - he has dreds, probably smokes the green stuff and travels the world trying to find himself. His videos however are fun - he wonders the planet trying weird things for the amusement of his viewers. On the surface Louis looks less worried about the commerce of YouTube but dig deeper and you'll find he's just as monitised as the rest.

Louise aka SprinkleOfGlitter - The Mum
'Hello Ha Sprinklerinos!' Louise is plain speaking, silly and a Mum. Her videos are about her daughter Darcy, her love of make up and hauls. If you've never seen a haul video before its where the presenter shows you the contents of their shopping bag - its weird. Louise is my favourite YouTuber - she plays the game but never willing to comprise her privacy or politic. She's often left out from the clique but she's the up and coming Oprah of the gang.

Dan and Phil - The Geeks
If you'll know any of these names its likely to be Dan and Phil. They've had the most commercial success with a weekly Radio 1 show. They make videos together and separately and are following the current trend of BoyTubers by setting up a gaming channel. Dan and Phil's brand is based on them being socially awkward, a bit weird and slightly derogatory towards anyone they ever meet - I've met them so can back up this claim.

Casper and Joe - The Lads
Casper is a South African YouTuber whose content is far more risqué that most - he's done Q&A's with pornstars and DJ'd at Bestival. He lives in London with Joe aka ThatcherJoe whose also Zoellas brother and Alfies brother in law - are you keeping up? Casper and Joe are YouTubes lads - their videos are prank-ish, silly, boy stuff but I like them. Casper isn't as an astute as Joe (although he is learning!) when it comes to comic timing or presenting but together they make a nice double act.

Jacks Gap - The Power Twins
Jack and Finn are twins and until recently they sat above Zalfie in the ratings but it seems that they want more than a legacy of Chubby Bunny videos. After a summer of no uploads JacksGap returned with a message of change. Since then they've gone a bit arty and made some cliched indy flicks. They are currently making a series of documentaries for Skype. Interestingly JacksGaps parents are BAFTA award winning producers and writers.

Sam Pepper - The Dick
If you watched Big Brother before it went shit / went to Channel 5 you might remember the series that followed the 'Jayde Goody the Bully' in which Channel 4 let 12 under 25's into the house - Sam Pepper was one of these 25 young hopefuls. Sam quickly ran away to LA and set up his YouTube audience. Sam hires gangs of men to kidnap his friends or enter their apartment with baseball bats. Sam is a dick.
Today #ReportSamPepper is trending after he posted a film of him pinching girls bums. 

Ben, Steve and other minor characters
Former athletes, celebrity stylists, sisters of the YouTube elite, the woman that looks after the elite - there's an audience for everyone and money to be made! 

Confession: I'm slightly obsessed with their lives. I'm interested to know what self promoted fame worth at 0.3p per play does to someone. I'm intrigued that they've made their own reality TV soap operas from the slightly mundane lives they lead, manufactured relationships, dropped out of education and curated their lifestyles for the internet.

I also think its strange they are all a big clique of real life friends - straight, white, middle class people who live in the south east. 

Does the elites fame echo what England is actually like - who knows?! What I can tell you is that I spend one hour a day catching up on their lives and I think this is going to affect the work I'm going to make. I'm critical of it and sucked in at the same time.

If you like a bit of bite in your procrastination here are a bunch of YouTubers I think you should be paying attention to...

1000 Londoners - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-nqdhxQneIrElN9WRmd5_g
The Orphans - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCmpA12VldRgqj2H7TaGIOSw
Charlie Hides TV - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCeVj9kbm3NxKq5MGsHNtaoQ
Paul Kindersley - https://www.youtube.com/user/thebritisharecumming
Jayde Adams - https://www.youtube.com/user/jaydeadams
Mr Heavyhand - https://www.youtube.com/user/heavyhandedvlogs

My Channel - https://www.youtube.com/user/scotteescottee


(Not) Lyn Gardners Theatre Picks

I haven't done one of these for some time folks - SORRY! I like doing them but I've been caught up being popular. Awkward.

If you are new to this blog - HIYA! This is my irregular list of things in the next coming months I think you could pay attention too...

The Boy Who Climbed Out of His Face
Shunt shows are always full of mystery, fear and that panic you might be asked to do something. This show is no different - awkward and with the added fear you might fall in the Thames.

Anna Nicole The Opera
Every time the Arts Council make their decisions on who should get what funding the Royal Opera House get slagged off BUT with seats at £5 for operas with 100+ cast I tend to think they sing for their supper. Anna Nicole's the 4th production I've seen at the ROH this year and by far the best. Imagine a disco ball, above a 50ft mattress with a fat girl signing "I'm gonna rape the American Dream" and you are close to how epic this genius production is. Laste few dates so RUN! 

Dead Boys
James Unsworth's show finishes at Ditto Gallery next weekend. It's full of pictures of monsters, decapitated heads, shits and cartoon characters having it off with each other. The show is to celebrate the launch of his second book (his first has been banned by Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles - FOR REAL!).

Chewing the Fat
Selina Thompson is one of those artists who deserve medals (or Blue Peter badges). She makes complex arguments into simplistic, messy polemics. If I had some sort of power I'd say she was 'one to watch'. 

Backstage in Biscuit Land
I interviewed the wonderful Jess aka Tourettes Hero on Radio 4 a few weeks before her Edinburgh run - she's the best person ever! She stole the show up there with her near perfect show about her tourettes. Go see it and stop moaning about your life.

1000 Londoners
OK so it's on the internet but I think it warrants some of your attention. This brilliant web series introduces you to all the amazing people that make up Londoners - from the man who lifts Tower Bridge to the man who walks the sewers! I am hooked!


Australia... I'm back!

I'm so excited to be heading back to Oz next week. After a storming success of The Worst of... I'm back with another run!

This time I'll be showing off at Theatre Works in Melbourne as part of Melbourne Fringe! You can find out all about it here - http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/the-worst-of-scottee/

My main reason for visiting Oz this time is research. I was awarded a AIDF grant (Google it if you're that interested) earlier this year to meet with Australian artists, producers and venues and build on the work I've started to do out there. During my time out there I'll be blogging about what I find, who I meet and where are the best places to go!

Sydney heads - I'm doing a turn at Voguey Bear on Wednesday 24th! I love Stereogamous - I think they are my favourite Australians of all time...ever. Catch me doing a special Oz inspired turn!

I'll be posting regularly whist I'm away just to annoy you! 

See you down under.


Many things annoy me: people who spit on the street, people who describe their work as ‘immersive’, the cast of Hollyoaks – but nothing bothers me more than spoken word.
I’ve always thought poems had to rhyme, that was until I was 15 and my youth club booked a couple of performance poets to entertain us for the evening. They did serious wordy rubbish about the sky. We gave them a hard time because for some reason when they performed they stopped talking posh and tried to sound like they were from our estate. Weird.
Poetry, sorry spoken word is rife with middle class folk trying to convince an audience they know what JSA is. The objectification of working class slang gives you credit and somehow validates your shitty poem about London or the recession.
Clearly I had some anger issues towards the world of rhyming words, but then at the grand age of 23 I shared a dressing room with John Cooper Clarke at a music festival. Now I could try to convince you I knew who he was and we hit it off but in the spirit of not pretending I smiled at him and ate his cheese platter. Later that day I watched him perform and my performance poetry baggage was left in a portacabin at Leeds Festival.I guess I hate any sort of performance that pretends to be something it isn’t – I feel the same way towards actors, I want to slap them round the face, tell them I know they are lying and their career is one big game of ‘let’s pretend’.
Since then I’ve discovered a world of non-poncey poetry and weirdly sort of fallen for it – I stumbled across artists like Polar Bear, Luke Wright and Ross Sutherland and I’d be lying if I didn’t confess my love/hate relationship for Pam Ayres but my beef with poetry voice remains.
At the start of the year (under the pretence of being an artist) I locked myself in my Mum’s attic to write some new material – I thought I’d write some gags, at the end of that week I left with 3 half written poems, a piece that can only be described as a dyslexic mess and a poem that has only two words “Cunt Nash”.
I began to trying to find an outlet for my new material but apparently self aware, half written, half baked, funny poems for drunk people, said in your own voice don’t have a home so I thought I’d invent one.
Fraff is my new (sort of monthly) poetry knees up. It’s a piss up for my non-poet showbiz mates to try out unheard material. One rule – no fucking poetry voice. If any of the acts start talking funny the audience have the right to throw scrunched up paper at them.
What do you call a poetry night that’s embarrassed by its peers? I opted for council slang in line with poetry’s glorification of my birth lingo. Fraff means to chat shit, which seems fitting because ultimately bad poetry is fraff, whilst the good stuff tells us the truth by fraffing.
Fraff is at RichMix on 12th September. The line up includes Bryony Kimmings, Hunt & Darton and Jonny Woo.

It's that time again! New Years Eve is just around the corner [insert 'where has the year gone?' clichés here]. We have 50 tickets available at the discounted rate of £15 quid

We have a massive headliner! Lots of surprises and many a treat in store!

Check out the micro site and get it sorted!


We're having a studio sale next Saturday from 10am as we are moving to a new HQ! Lots of plus size vintage, fabric, sequin-age, accessories, party stuff, paint, tinsel wigs, lightbulbs, shiny sh*t, merch, art, badges and Scottee cast offs! All under £10. Email studio@scottee.co.uk for the info if you fancy popping down!


My ego sometimes likes to believe that the internet cares terribly that I haven't updated my blog #FirstWorldProblems. 

There is lots of stuff going on, some of which belongs to you or you have paid for so it's only right I give you the lowdown.

The Worst of Scottee
It's back! That fucking show will be the death of me but because so many of you asked so nicely I'm doing a farewell UK tour and a second run in Melbourne. Some of these dates are on sale already and eager marketing people want me to tell you about them.

Manchester - http://contactmcr.com/whats-on/24693-the-worst-of-scottee/
London -  http://www.roundhouse.org.uk/whats-on/2014/the-worst-of-scottee-2/
Melbourne - http://www.melbournefringe.com.au/fringe-festival/show/the-worst-of-scottee/
Belfast and Colchester to follow

Liam Gallagher is my Grandad
Grandad has had a bit of a health blip recently so we are slightly behind on making work. We are also waiting to hear if some telly people are going to put it on the telly. Merch has been ordered and we're waiting for t shirts, badges and prints to land in the next few weeks!

You can check his progress on http://realliamgallagher.co.uk

We're back on our favourite island with our favourite friends at Bestival. Of course it would be all too easy to just rock up with a backing CD and knock out a few numbers! This year we have 4 special offerings!

Camp - Fri/Sat Night - http://2014.bestival.net/line-up/artists/scottees-camp
Drag - Fri/Sat Night - http://2014.bestival.net/line-up/artists/drag
Cliché - Thursday Night - http://2014.bestival.net/line-up/artists/cliche
Roundhouse Youth Show - http://2014.bestival.net/line-up/artists/variety-variety

Kitchen Sink Drama
IdeasTap and I are looking for new writers who want to bypass posting their scripts to theatres and programmers and instead present their text in the homes of leading theatre producers and artistic directors. We’re looking for innovative texts that can work in people’s kitchens, living rooms, or even toilets. The program is open to anyone under 30. 

Apply within - http://www.ideastap.com/Opportunities/Brief/Kitchen-Sink-Drama-010914#Overview

My variety baby is making it's main house debut at Roundhouse this Saturday. We have a live band, a group of pensioners singing Queen, a drag queen from up north, a country and western singer, a raffle and I've had a few more sequin looks made! Bona! Really hope you are able to make it down - I'm desperate for it to sell out so we can do more main house showing off! Lets queer up main houses - it's about time we left the sidelines of studio theatres!

60 tickets available - do your worst! http://www.roundhouse.org.uk/whats-on/2014/summer-sessions/camp-live/

In the words of a wise MC....Romeo done. 


In the summer of 2012 I debuted Camp at the Roundhouse as part of Circus Fest - it was my first show there since I was 15! I knew I wanted to create something my Mum could watch with her mates, surrounded by trendy lesbians, locals and those old enough to remember the 70's.

I dreamt up Camp on the bus. It was my coming out project, I wanted to expose my love for slightly naff, working class, knees up turns of yesteryear's variety circuit. 

I chose my very favourite performers from both the live art, variety and comedy world that I thought were/are pushing things forward and waited in the wings of the Roundhouse studio theatre.

Since then Camp has gone from strength to strength - we've done two seasons at Roundhouse, taken over my local tenants hall for a Christmas run, got 500 people to do the conga for a special NYE show, performed at every Bestival since and curated the opening party for MayFest!

Camp is my baby and I love it - I think it's like going to a local pub, drinking cheap booze with your friends whilst a fat Liberace look-a-like insults you with a smile. There's room for experimentation with a small e, the turns are fab and everyone ends up dancing or snogging each other! 

In a few weeks I take over the main house at Roundhouse. I've been given the chance to prove I've got what it takes to play with the big boys upstairs.

I've got 100's of bums on seats to flog and I need your help to spread the word. We're going from 120 seater to a 500+ seater! SCREAM! 

Please buy a ticket, tell a friend, do a tweet, put it on your wall - anything will really help us make Camp's explosion louder. I promise you a f**king brilliant show with a live band, some nice surprises and a raffle!

Camp is growing and I want you to come along for the ride! Hope to see you on the 9th, stay after for a shandy!

To get your juices going I've collected some of my favourite turns below. Enjoy!


Grandad Update

Thank you so much for funding Grandad's project! I'm pleased to say we met our target with just hours to go! Since the WeFund finished last month we've had to take a bit of a breather. Grandad's doctors have found some cancer cells and so he's been having lots of tests that make him tired. 

Nevertheless we've started work on his art career! Grandad kick started his practice on Friday last week by designing a t-shirt, badges and a poster! He also hosted the most genius live Q&A on twitter (@RealLGallagher) and decided he wanted to draw sheep, paint Lady Di, dance to his favourite song and have people visit him for cups of tea (performance art!).

The most exciting news is that we are working with a brilliant BAFTA nominated film maker who will be tracking Grandad's progress to artdom in the name of ageism! 

Over the next few months Grandad is going to be learning skills in drawing, painting, photographic and video work with professional artists. After that we will be tackling the tricky ageism card - a trip to Parliament is planned. 

We aim to produce as much work as possible and have a gallery show towards the end of this year. We are looking for a gallery that will give him his debut show and an art supplier to give us a load of professional pens and posh paper (he's really going through them!).

The few people who have seen his work think its inspired by David Shrigley - who knew?!

You can check some of his works in progress at http://realliamgallagher.co.uk

Thank you again for supporting him, he's really chuffed! 

Scottee. x