Shit to do this season (that's not very Christmas-y).

In a few weeks time you'll be throwing your stilettos at shopping centre speakers blasting out another Whitney remix and/or having hissy fits in Paperchase because the shredded tissue paper gift wrap is no longer available in puce. Here is a list of shit I'm doing in December, none of which is extremely Christmas-y, thank Christ... 

Bourgeois & Maurice in Birmingham
If you've never seen B&M live before you're in for a treat. Imagine being trapped in a lift for an hour with two weirdos who are making up semi-political songs to the lift music - oh and they are taking selfies and have a hash tag in play for the occasion. B&M are full of brilliant cynicism and awkward outfits. http://www.birmingham-rep.co.uk/event/the-dirty-grotto/

Fat Activism by Charlotte Cooper 
In January we'll all be subjected to the noise created by [insert naff celebrity here]'s latest diet. We'll be bombard by adverts from Weight Watchers and Slimmers World all promising slim utopia and 40 virgins should we loose 4lbs. Instead I urge you to buy Charlotte Cooper's fat friendly book on Fat Activism. Cooper is an artist, writer, thinker and doer I've admired for a long time. The brain is a muscle (go with it) so technically reading this is exercise. http://hammeronpress.net/shop/paperback/fat-activism-pre-order/

Good Grief: Jack Rooke 
At Christmas time we like to hang out with the family, get drunk and pretend to be like that family off of Outnumbered. Jack Rooke is staging his super special stage show about what happens when those loved ones exit stage left. This show is brilliant and has a shed load of stars from Edinburgh. Go and see it. http://sohotheatre.com/whats-on/jack-rooke-good-grief/ 

The Only Way Home is Through the Show
Another brilliant book I'll be reading on Boxing Day from another brilliant mind. Lois Weaver has been making feminist, queer, fem/me, age inclusive work long before these words ever appeared in the Guardian. She's collaborated with my favourite Professor, Jen Harvie to create a book about her career. It's brilliant.  http://www.thisisunbound.co.uk/products/the-only-way-home-is-through-the-show-the-performance-work-of-lois-weaver

Yeti's: Work in Progress
From the makers of EastEnd Cabaret comes Yetis - a sort of bizarre comedy musical show that's just as weird as Twin Peaks, just as funny at the Mighty Boosh and just as deranged as the Sound of Music, on ice. http://www.sohotheatre.com/whats-on/yetis-work-in-progress/

Paul A Young
There's enough shit chocolate in the world for the basic bitches amongst you - put down that chalky bar of nothingness and head to Paul A Young! For a few weeks of the year Paul's gang melt down his chocolate and shove a bit of niceness over the top to create the worlds best hot chocolate - I kid you not, this shit is worth its weight in gold! Fill your Mum's stockings with his Paul's salted caramels!  http://www.paulayoung.co.uk

Lorraine Bowen for Xmas No.1 
OK so this is tres Christmas-y but Lorraine is a babe and if anyone deserves to be at the top of the charts this year it is her. For over a decade she's done community service in dodgy gay bars, lugging her keyboard up and down the country - the least you can do is spend 79p on her record. https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/christmas-crumble-single/id1057601694

I'll be spending most of December touring the UK with a gang of merry weirdos. We're heading to St Helens, Brighton, London, Edinburgh and Colchester. Camp is a variety show your Mum can come to as long as she's not scared of seeing a grown man dressed as a sexy Kim Jong-Un. Cast includes the award winning Jess Love, the award winning Jayde Adams, the award winning Dickie Beau, the award winning Ginger Johnson and the miserable Japans People! http://campery.co.uk

In short I'm urging you to get fat, think about femme identity, lock yourself in a room with a musical duo, have a cry about your dead Dad, laugh out loud and spend 79p whilst drinking a cup of hot chocolate. Merry Christmas dickheads, Merry fucking Christmas.